Feeling glum - a paragraph.

I feel glum. I’m writing late at night and I have work tomorrow morning but it’s one of those days where nothing feels significant other than the exact present. I feel that it’s important context that I have period cramps right now. I feel like crying but have nothing to cry about. My brain is empty apart from this glumness. I just finished cleaning up the mess my room was while listening to To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before soundtrack and it reminds me so brutally of being 15 and simultaneously makes me feel like I’m trying to remind myself of who I was at that time. I feel like I can’t move on from being a teenager and that life I had. I don’t understand it, though. It’s not like I ever really loved my life during that time. Maybe I just want to feel the safety of it; it was so stable. Everything is going fine right now, when people ask me how I am and what’s new with me all I can say is “no updates.” Really, I have no updates other than I want to quit my job. Thinking about myself at 15 and what she wanted (to get out of my room), I feel a bit bad for her. I think I owe her something a bit better than what I’ve got going on right now. Don’t get me wrong, I have some great things and people around me, but I guess I’m feeling a bit insecure about my own choices on how I treat myself and others. I keep telling myself that I’ll “figure things out,” but it’s easier said than done when everything feels so scary. Today was scary. Maybe it wouldn’t have been if this day had happened a week in the future so I wouldn’t have felt so bad physically. I’m currently reminding myself that it’s after 22 so any negative self thoughts are heavily exaggerated by my brain and cannot be trusted.