It’s been a long while since I wrote anything here. SOME PEOPLE have been heckling me about an update, so this is it. The reason I haven’t been posting here lately is because I’ve been busy, and when I’m not, I don’t feel like being productive or creative since the things I’ve been busy with either take a lot of energy from me, or upset my beloved schedule, so much so that when I do have some time off, I can’t do much other than lay in bed. Maybe bake something. Play the guitar for a little. Work is mostly what takes up my time, and some social events afterwards with friends that are definitely appreciated, but there come times when I realise that I’ve done too much and then I’m back in bed, thinking about the things sitting on the imaginary list, waiting to be ticked off. Assignments, writing projects, crochet projects, blog updates, reading. It’s frustrating to know yourself and what you should be doing, and then do something else. I’m outside my body watching myself get tempted my procrastination and bad habits.
I also feel like I’ve entered a new chapter of my life. Turns out that I made something more than a friend (climbing brings you many things), and it’s a big part of my life at the moment. It was a sudden change, and although it’s been a bit of time now, it’s still a major reason for my business. Technically, it’s not something that I feel like is a real reason to make me procrastinate all these things, but it’s hard to get things done when you want to spend a lot of time with someone, doing just about anything else than balancing chemical equations and figuring out what the hell this book is trying to tell you about calculating the mass of molecules. With this additional part to it, sometime soon I’ll return to my regular life. I’ll do my assignments for school on time, and read again, and make sure to visit my grandma, and practise my damn flute from time to time, but for now, I just want some time. Give me some time to get used to this whole new thing, and figure out how to balance productivity with something so tempting.
On another note, I’ve almost decided on my plan for the next years. I don’t think I can really explain the feeling of having a clear vision of what is to come, of what I want. I finally have some peace after being so uncertain for so long. It’s not a perfect plan, or the most exciting one out many possibilities (although I am pretty happy with it), but it is one and I thought of it and decided that I want it. I have this image of me a year from now, still living at home, going to university here. I found a program I'm excited about. I’m still in my parents’ house but I spend most of my days in my grandparents empty apartment closer to school. I’m near my family but still have a just a little bit of comfortable distance. They don’t have to know where I am all the time, I don’t have to explain myself. When I lived away, I loved the control I had over what I could reveal to other people about my life. No one was really entitled in any way to information about what I had going on, because, whatever, most of those people lived in a different country anyways. I like being in a reachable distance to my parents, but I’d love some of that sense of privacy again. Anyhow, my grandparents’ apartment would in no way be my own, but it’d be a space I could exist on my own. And, well, the boyfriend would often be there too.
I think that pretty soon I’ll start posting on here again. The thing is that I never want this to feel forced. I don’t want to write for the sake of writing, or keep up a blog for the sake of keeping something up. I’ll write when I feel that I have something to write about. Maybe that’s a post every day for three days and then not another one for two months. Who cares, it’s mine.
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