Guess what? I’m sitting in a café again, but this time I’m on a bench overlooking the harbour in my town. I came here with the intention of reading, not studying, because I have nothing to study and no work to attend because I have quit. I’m having flashbacks to last summer when I was so incredibly, painfully bored but this time I’m not as bored. I haven’t been unemployed for long, only a few days, but I think that since I have some friends now and a boyfriend to annoy it’s easier to not be lonely, and because I have my own car and am more comfortable (and confident?) it’s easier to not be bored. The weather is good? I’ll go on a hike. The mountain is open? I’ll go skiing by myself. It’s noon and I have no plans? I’ll go sit in a café and eat and drink and finish a book, which is how I find myself now.
I have some goals for this time. If I’m honest, it seems that I am highly unemployable for some reason so I might have to entertain myself until I get a job for the summer. The extra time has really cleared my mind for some space to tackle some challenges that I’ve been wanting to for a while but I just felt like I couldn’t manage going to a draining job and having to coerce myself into doing other difficult things. But I have time now, so I’m going to try but going slow. I’ve written quite a bit about this but I’m trying to read more, crochet more, and the challenging part about this is finding books to read and projects to work on that I genuinely enjoy. I’ve been taking my time with Jane, Unlimited by Kristin Cashore (like REALLY taking my time) and I can write about my thoughts when I finish it hopefully today or tomorrow, and after that I’m excited to reread Her Royal Highness by Rachel Hawking. I’ve been wanting to visit Scotland an unhealthy amount lately, perhaps just because I’m getting bored of the endless winter here and need a slight change of scenery.
This leads into my next goal, which is to travel more. I just booked my tickets to go visit my best friends in Oslo next week and I can’t wait to see them and get out of Iceland, even if it’s only for a couple of days. I get that going from Reykjavík to Oslo isn’t the biggest change, especially in March, but a change is a change. I also don’t mean that I need to be doing the most extravagant traveling, I want to do more day and weekend trips out of the city and see some parts of the country I haven’t because there are a million corners I haven’t seen or even heard of yet. In a few months I’ll be in university and I don’t know if I’ll have a free period like this again, at least not anytime soon.
Third goal. This feels like the silliest and most vulnerable one and I’m going so slow on this one I’m still in the mental preparation stage of accepting that it’s a goal of mine. It’s more specific than the others, more like a box I feel I need to check. Ever since I can remember I’ve been petrified of even the thought of going to a gym. I get nervous just being around one! Maybe I should take that as a sign that it’s not something for me but that’s not what bothers me, it’s that going to the gym is a very normal and casual thing and I am so scared of it and consider myself unable to do it because of anxiety and it does not sit right with me. I was always nervous about doing things like hiking and skiing by myself, but I’ve been doing those things and it’s completely fine, why shouldn’t I be able to tackle another fear of mine? To be fair, this is like a level 9 on the anxiety scale and the other things were definitely lower so it’s not exactly an even comparison, but I got my point through. My goal isn’t to go to the gym regularly or anything, I’m not wanting to become some sort of gymrat, I already know I’d never be that kind of person. I think all the time about this thing my middle school psychologist said to me about gym class: “You don’t have to enjoy doing it, you just need to be able to be there.” I just want to prove to myself that I can go to a gym if I want. I have been inside a gym before, believe it or not. I used to use the treadmill in my school’s basement gym when it was too cold or rainy or windy or go running but wanted to move, but didn’t touch anything else. I won’t beat myself up if I start university in the fall and won’t have completed this, I want to do it but also recognise that I have made a lot of progress over the last years and months and there will always be things. Sometimes I catch myself thinking: “I can get over this, one day I won’t be shy or awkward or anxious and the person on the outside will match the one inside.” I’m stretching this gym example but let’s say that in 3 years I am some version of me that goes to the gym regularly. I feel comfortable there, I know that no one is looking at me and even if they are, I don’t care about it. I’ll go home after the gym and realise that I have to make a call for an appointment and I’ll delay it by weeks, as much as I can. The next day I turn down going out with friends because they didn’t tell me a day in advance so I could prepare. The day after I’ll leave a gathering early because some people showed up that I hadn’t met before and wasn’t expecting. There will always be things, and that doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t work on the ones that scare me, but that I shouldn’t be in a rush to, because it’s not like completing that one task is going to dissipate all anxiety from my body.
On a different note, I’ve been writing a bit more lately, especially songs, which is so much fun. Are they any good? No, probably not, but it’s okay because they’re for me! Maybe I’ll write some more if the side effects of the birth control I started yesterday kick in and I’ll suddenly become gloomier than usual, or clinically depressed, we’ll see. This post turned out to be a bit more depressing and anxiety heavy than I meant for it to be, I'm doing good, I promise! I have friends to see next week and another city to visit, I'm in love and ridiculously aware of my mental health. AND NO BORING JOB TO GO TO!! (Sadly, no paycheck either...)
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